It is hard to think that temper tantrums are just  apart of growing up, especially when they are happening!  What is a mother going to do?  Some start crying, right there in the store.  Some just stomp out of the store and leave the grocery cart in the middle of the aisle.  Some ignore it and let people just "stare." What do the experts say you should do?  Perhaps one of their suggestions will be just what you've been looking for!

There may be some reasons for the tantrum such as:  wet pants that itch, a desire for juice and you gave milk, they want something they aren't able to get, and they haven't yet learned problem solving skills, therefore a tantrum is all they know how to do.  there may be nothing that you can see that caused it to happen.  It just doesn't make sense.

As your child grows older, temper tantrums should ease off.  Speaking and reasoning skills improve and it is no longer necessary to cry and scream.  Moms have to live until that time comes, so what can they do?

Moms need to establish a consistent way of dealing with tantrums.  This lets the child learn to recognize emotional control and clear communication.  This consistent way of dealing may include:

1.  Always keeping a cool head, which means remaining calm.

2. Taking time to think before you act.  Evaluating the situation prior to deciding how you will deal with it.  Recognizing each tantrum requires its own action.  Remember that thinking through the situation before you act can make a big difference.

3.  Acknowledging your child's frustration with a nod or a pat, without condoning the trantrum.  Affirmation can have a soothing effect  After your child has calmed down, talk softly and explain what can be done instead of screaming.  (Even the brain of little ones absorbs this information).  

4.  Learning not to talk during the tantrum because it does not work!  When the tantrum is over, speak softly about how to ask for help.  In time, what you say will produce good results.

5.  Knowing when to "hold on" to your child.  If your child is in danger of hurting him/herself, calmly take your child into your arms and hold on until the tantrum subsides.  During this time speak in a soothing voice and let them know you will not let go until they calm down.  They don't really like to be out of control, it scares them.  When you take the situation into your hands, they feel more secure.  

6.  Watching for patterns of behavior that lead to tantrums and head them off.  Watch for when and where they occur.  What has just happened?  Who was present?  Don't ask your child to do things he/she cannot yet do.  Help your child stay in a reasonable routine and let him/her know when it is going to change, have no surprises.  Perhaps you'll learn to avoid the tantrums.

7.  Offering calm comfort after the tantrum is over.  Tantrums take their toll on your child.  A warm hug and reassurance is important.  Let your children know that you disapprove of tantrums while reassuring them that you love them greatly.

Be assured that they will grow up!  They will get over their tantrums.  Why?  Because you will give them the understanding of what is going on, what can be done, and that no matter what, you are their mom and you love them very, very much!  

Good luck and may you be blessed everyday because you chose to be a mom.

Ruth Manning has been involved with American mothers since 1988 and served the organization in almost every role including that of President.  Currently, she is the Editor of the American Mother magazine.  Ruth is active in her community serving on the board of the Salvation Army, and CAP (Caring about People), she also volunteers her time teaching Sunday School and speaking to various community organizations.  Ruth has a BA and MEd. in Music Education and a Masters in Education administration, and with her husband (now deceased) has four children, twelve grandchildren and one great grandchild. 

One of the traditions we have is freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, ready and waiting when they walk in the door after school. I set the table, chill the glasses in the freezer, and as we share cookies and milk I hear things like what friends are in what classes, who they had lunch with, first impressions of teachers, if they got lost, how the locker combo thing went and more.

I love preparing for this. When they walk in the door I want them to instantly know I was thinking of them and that I am grateful to sit and soak up every detail of how this new year is looking and feeling to them. Its one way we mark the beginning of the new year at our house.

How do you mark the first day of school? Do you have traditions you would share with us here? Sharing parenting ideas is one of the things that makes us all better moms. Use the comment link to share your ideas. Happy 2010-2011 school year!

My oldest will start classes at college Monday, maybe I will send her cookies in a box? Hmmmm...new territory. Ideas?

Sheri Carlstrom is the 2010 National Young Mother of the Year.  Sheri was born in Duluth, Minnesota, has lived in Michigan, and now resides in Fort Wayne, Indiana. She knows what it is like to move to a new place and have to find your spot in a community. She attended classes at a community college and the University of Minnesota. Sheri has been married to Kevin for nineteen years. They have four children. Sheri has been involved in MOPS, International as a young mother, a leader, and a Mentor Mom. She works at Sonrise Church as Communications Director. She writes a blog, and co-owns a small business with her sister.  Her time is spent driving children to activities, sitting in bleachers, volunteering at church, going to the YMCA to keep both her physical and mental health in check. She also finds herself reading, writing and checking and rechecking the calendar to make sure she hasn't forgotten a child somewhere.  You can read about her year over at "Mother of the WHAT?" where this post originated.

BEHIND THE SCENES WRITING Mother-Daughter Duet:  Connell Branan interviews co-authors of the book, Mother-Daughter Duet, Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum about their mother-daughter collaboration.

Connell: What was it like to co-author a book with your mother, Ali?

Ali:  Lots of deep breaths… I went through a million feelings a day from feeling totally inadequate to feeling like I knew how to do it better than my mom, the pro, and both extremes landed me in a funk. But when I could just relax and have fun dialoging with her through the process, it was the most amazing experience. I have to say I couldn’t have gotten through the panic moments without her encouragement and the fact she believed in me as a writer—and all those cups of Starbucks.

I think I learned a lot about myself as a worker, that I could actually be focused for more than 20 minutes at a time. I was surprised by how I became more willing to learn from my mom in the process of writing, but in the beginning it was really hard because I’m a free spirit and don’t like to be told what to do (like “We need to write Chapter 3 now…”) But finally I realized I had a whole lot to learn and she had a whole lot of experience. And that actually I’m really grateful for the opportunity to work with her on a professional level. It’s changed my life. Writing together was full of new awareness and really feeling close to my mom in new ways. Plus I became keenly aware of my novice writing habits and was glad she was editing what I wrote. I think one of the biggest changes in me toward my mom is the level of respect I have for what she’s done in her writing career, how many deadlines she’s met while having to plan weddings or host holidays or help with grandbabies or just write when she may have wanted to go to the beach and rest. It raised my respect of her as a Renaissance woman enormously.

Ali: One of the biggest challenges for me was getting in the groove and knowing what this was going to look like and how we were going to write together and how we were going to start talking about what we were going to write about mother and daughter relationships. It was totally scary. Also, I’d never done interviews with people and that was a learning curve although Mom gave me some great tips. Sometimes I wanted to yell and scream and sometimes I wanted to run back home and mostly I wanted to respect my mom and her space in the process and produce a great book at the same time. I was going between feeling like the kid and feeling like the co-worker. The internal battle of the above. And finding the balance.

One of my greatest joys in the process is that Ali wanted to enter into what I’ve been doing for 25 years and there’s a wonderful camaraderie in the experience we’ve had that has brought us closer on a unique way.  I have co-authored with a few other writers, but it’s very different for me to co-author a book with a family member!

In spite of some unforeseen experiences like Ali’s husband’s life-threatening illness as we were writing the last part of the book (he did recover and we are so thankful), and doing two full rewrites—I was thankful to be able to give Ali the chance to have her voice heard. She has a distinct way of looking at life and it was on my “Bucket List” to give her that opportunity by co-authoring a book.

For years I’ve taught writing, and mentored adult writers in critique groups, university classes, and writer’s conferences. I’ve wanted to encourage the next generation of writers, and especially young women, and have had the chance to do that in different ways.  So how much fun to do that with my own daughter!

As women we need to tell our stories.  We need to share them—woman to woman, mom to daughter and daughter to mom.  So to have the opportunity to share our stories and those of other mothers and daughters whose stories appear in our book was great.

We hope the fact that we shared our story and other moms and daughters’ stories is going to encourage women to share their stories with each other.  To dialogue and get honest is important for women because it’s empowering and freeing for us to pass along the value of telling our stories and learning from each other.  I think we’ve learned to do that ourselves and seen the impact firsthand.

Ali: Through this process, I’ve learned how to grow up on a whole new level, and respect not only my mom, but her generation of mothers.  I’ve learned to value their lives and ways that they’ve coped, lived, loved and way they’ve raised us daughters.

Cheri:  I’ve learned to appreciate the young generation of women (college age through 40’s and beyond)—the uniqueness and what each of these daughters bring to relationships.  It’s been fun to hear women’s collective voices and hearts and desires, hurts, hopes for their relationships, especially with their own mothers.  I learned a lot about my daughter’s generation and really like you gals!

What was fun, too, was to discover new strengths and common ground in our relationship.  To connect through our assets and differences both and value them, not try to change or hide them from each other.

For all our readers, we hope after reading our book, they’ll feel that if WE can come together as mother and daughter and become friends after all we’ve been through (you’ll have to read the book to know what that was) and even after working together on a challenging but very enriching year-long project, then you can too—and patience, tolerance, and love will get you there.

CHERI FULLER is a best-selling, award-winning author whose books have sold more than one million copies. She loves to encourage moms of all ages, speaks at a wide range of women’s events, and is a frequent guest on national radio and TV programs. Her website, www.cherifuller.com, has a blog, articles, and inspiration. Cheri is a member of the Oklahoma Mothers, teaches a parenting and prayer course to moms in prison, and loves being a grandma to their six lively grandkids. She was named the 2004 Oklahoma Mother of the Year.

ALI PLUM is Cheri’s 33 year old daughter, a writer and songwriter, a wife and mother to Noah and Luke, her seven and eight year old sons she delights in nurturing. Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want With Your Adult Daughter marks her debut as an author. Ali was recognized as the 2004 Oklahoma Young Mother.  

You can connect with Cheri and Ali at www.cherifuller.com or join them on Facebook 

CONNELL BRANAN has been a member of American Mothers since 2006 when she was named the National Young Mother of the Year.   Connell has an undergraduate degree from the University of Southern California and previously worked in Washington D.C. on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence. She and her husband live in Oklahoma with their two children where Cliff serves in the Legislature and Connell volunteers with various local arts and educational organizations. Connell currently serves as the 1st Vice President for American Mothers, Inc. ®

I think it's so important as Mothers to have music be a part of your family.  I've always felt music in the home changes hearts and lives.  Whether you are musical or not, there are many ways you can incorporate music into your life.

Whenever you are at home or in the car,  have music playing!  Whether it's fun songs, silly songs, musicals or beautiful classical music, singing to your children makes home a happy place to be.  Whenever my children were young, we'd clean up their toys and sing "Just a spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down" from Mary Poppins, or "Clean up, Clean up everybody everywhere, Clean up Clean up, everybody do your share."  I love playing the piano and organ, so my children have grown up dancing, playing and singing together at the same time.  When we have lessons or meetings together as a family, we always sing together at first which can really unite us as a family.  Try to have beautiful music playing in your home as often as possible.  It adds a lot to a home and any contention seems to disappear when there's beautiful music in the background.

I think it's really good for boys to also be exposed to music, even though our boys loved sports!  All of my girls and boys take piano lessons.  Some like it better than others but both sons have even learned the base and cello as well as piano and still play their sports.  Our oldest son is in law school now, but playing the piano after a busy day helps him relax and remove the stress of his responsibilities.  I didn't realize the huge impact music was having in our home and that encouraging our children to practice would have a significant influence in their lives.  My Mother was a beautiful opera singer and she would practice operas in our house all the time, but of all the sensations most pleasurable in my life were having her rock me and sing to me at night.  Thinking about this, I wonder if we mothers today, with all our business and pressures, realize what a huge role we play in shaping our children lives.  I wonder if we realize how much love and attention count for in a child's life.  Heather Sandstrom

Virtually every aspect of our family life is accompanied by music.  Our family wakes up to a series of short classical, upbeat songs, each song representing the time frame within which our children must be out of bed, making their bed, dressed for the day, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, etc.  Chores are always done more quickly and cheerfully when set to “Whistle While You Work” or “The Happy Working Song.”  One of my favorite times of the day is when I take a break from the everyday responsibilities, blast music and dance and spin with my three girls.  We made up our own song to remember to buckle up every time we get in the car. When driving to and from school and lessons, we re-enforce songs from church, school, or music lessons.  When Daddy walks through the door from work, we greet him with a song that expresses how happy we are to have him home.  And, at bedtime I can sing of my love and of Heavenly Father’s love for my children. My two oldest children (six and four) are involved with piano and music lessons.  The one on one time I share with my girls while practicing and attending class together is very beneficial to our relationship. It provides opportunities for me to give individual praise and instill in them the love for music which has blessed our lives tremendously.

I am constantly evaluating my energies dedicated to my family responsibilities and my personal music goals.  I have come to the realization that the two are certainly not mutually exclusive.  I have painstakingly incorporated music into everything we do as a family which has helped me feel like I am not “splitting time.”  When I do sing and am unable to directly involve my little ones, this time is scheduled after bedtime.  Having a very supportive husband, who loves the one on one time with the girls when I am out singing, helps me tremendously to balance family life and my desire to sing.  Whenever possible, I try to involve them with my singing opportunities. We often perform together as a family for church and community events. I am also often accompanied by my three little munchkins to auditions and performances. I try to bring at least one of them with me to the recording studio. It’s nice to have them around because they are my best critics. Recently, after one of my performances, my three year old daughter told me that when she is a mommy singing on the stage, she won’t mess up like I did.  My 6 year old daughter told me she would still love me if I messed up singing the National Anthem at the Phoenix Suns game, and they always inform me when I’m singing too loud at home.  I try to accept every opportunity to sing that comes my way and I’m sure these opportunities bless my life more than the community. Erica Soelberg

Heather Sandstrom has been a member of American Mothers since 1990 and has served as the Young Mother Search Chairman and the Public Relations Chairman.  Heather has a Bachelors Degree in Broadcast Journalism and TV News from Brigham Young University and is a talk show host on “Voice of the Nation”.  Heather is also active in her church and serves on the Board of Directors for United Families International and Southern Virginia University.  She and her husband, Paul, reside in Arizona and have five children and four grandchildren.

Erica Sandstrom Soelberg was the 2010  National Vocal Winner in the Creative & Cultural Art Competition sponsored by American Mothers, Inc. Erica resides in Arizona where she and her husband are raising their three children.  Erica teaches classical ballet lessons and a musical theater workshop for children.  She has recorded CD's, is the lead singer in a band and has also performed the National Anthem at Phoenix Suns games.

In today's world many very young girls are having babies.  When one State Association of American Mothers, Inc.® was having a breakfast for homeless mothers, there was a girl present who was only thirteen years old and with her was her newly born child.  Her parents had locked her out of the house because she had gotten pregnant and had the baby.  She had no place to go and the homeless shelter accepted her and the baby.  The girl had nothing for herself or the baby.  The mothers who were helping with the breakfast saw her need.  The shelter provided clothes for the young mother, and they had some things for the baby.  The mothers who were helping got other things for the girl and for the baby.  However, the things the girl loved the best were the two ABC quilts.  She could wrap them around her baby and keep her warm.  Also, when she hugged the baby up close, wrapped in the ABC quilts, they also helped her to be warm.

This young mother knew that she could not keep the baby.  She didn't have enough education and was not old enough to get a job.  She asked the homeless shelter to help her put the baby up for adoption.  After about four months, there was a family who wished to adopt the baby.  The day came when the new family came to get the baby.  As the young mother went out to meet them, with tears in her eyes, she handed over the baby to a kind family who could give her baby girl a good life.  The baby was wrapped in a beautiful ABC Quilt. ( The young mother kept the other one and she would wrap it around herself and think about her little girl and in her mind she could see her wrapped in the other blanket as she left with her new family.)   The ABC blankets were a link for this young mother and her baby and they brought warmth to both of them for many years.

The 'ABC Quilt' program touches many people who have great need.  Please contact us for more information about the ABC Quilt program.

This article was first published in the Winter 2010 issue of the American Mother magazine.

This particular daughter has what you might call a Type-A personality.  She skipped college to go directly into the work force.  She found her niche and her husband in Integrated Technical Support systems.  She finds computer programmers' positions.  Her husband was one of those programmers.   At the age of 30 they had built a technical support company and by 31 she became a mother to my first grandson.  At 33 she added her second and last son.

They purchased an office building, built their first home, bought a second home closer to the office for her husband, then a third because the boys needed more space.  She hired decorators to help make each home "magazine cover" beautiful.  She hired landscapers to make each of the four properties perfect from the outside.   They joined a church with other upwardly mobile young families.  There were parties, cookouts,  and small group meetings at their homes.  She wanted to have the perfect home, perfect yard, perfect husband, and perfect family.  Then one day she looked at all the "STUFF" she had surrounded her life with, and realized what a great amount of effort she had wasted so that other people would think she was perfect.  She believes she became someone who wasn't even close to who she really was.

Then she called mom.  She wanted to know how I did it.  IT is a very difficult thing to describe.  IT is getting up everyday and taking care of your family's needs.  IT is having a home clean enough to be healthy, and messy enough to be home.  IT is making our family more important than anyone outside our home.  IT is finding time in everyday for each of your children and your husband.  IT is putting God first, and trusting that He will be there when we need Him.

We talked about the last time she came home early from work, and took the boys to their favorite place (it had been a long time).  We talked about the importance of taking her oldest, now 12, to the beach for a walk and a talk.  We talked about the necessity in life of a really good hug, and a quiet, warm "I Love You".  We talked about listening as much as talking.   We talked about making memories.  We talked about what would happen if we lost our homes, our cars, our STUFF.  We talked about what if we lost our family.  What is really important in our lives?

Before we knew it we had spent the better part of an hour remembering times we had together as a family.  We knew we loved each other through good times and bad.  We remembered vacations, family members, and celebrations.  I asked her if she remembered the draperies I had made for the bay window in the North Carolina house.  She said not really, but she remembered the circular driveway where I taught her how to roller skate.

Her final question was "How did I get to this Point?"  We discussed TV, movies, magazines, and how people want to control her "feelings" about everything from paint color to what's for dinner.  She decided she needs to take control of her family and decide for herself what is most important in their lives.  I don't think paint color is going to be a the top of the list.

Kathy Frost resides in Georgia with her husband of 42 years.  They have three children and seven grandchildren.  Kathy has a BS in Elementary Education from Indiana University, a Masters in Instruction from Central Michigan University and seventeen years experience teaching Middle School.  Her husband is a retired Air Force Officer and their family has lived in Texas, California, Michigan, North Carolina, Guam, as well as Indiana. Kathy is a member of Chestnut Grove Baptist Church, and a past State President for Georgia Mothers.   She is the PAGE (Professional Association of Georgia Educators) contact for her school and currently teaches 8th grade Gifted Social Studies .  She also enjoys reading, writing and photography.

I went downstairs after the girls had arrived and a few of the girls were texting while sitting in the group, I asked to take the phones and put them up in the kitchen as this party would be a "No Phone Zone". One girl said I was kind of like Oprah. (!?) Another girl said something about us doing this last year and gladly offered me her phone. Each girl who had a phone handed it right over and a few girls, one who had a phone, and one who did not, even thanked me!

I was talking to my 17 year old daughter about it the next day and she said that the whole texting thing is definitely a distraction and many times a peer pressure thing. She said that sometimes you are sitting in a group and many people are texting and if you are not, you sit there kind of awkwardly and so you get out your phone just so you don't feel so awkward.
This sounded almost unreal to me, but it is the truth of where much of our culture is right now. And navigating it as a mom (or dad) can be confusing and frustrating. But navigate it we must. Our young kids should not take the lead on this, we need to be their guide. We need to create the boundaries because they don't necessarily have it within them to create them on their own. When the crowd moves, most move with it. (I do anyway)

Let's keep talking to our kids about cell phones and texting and expectations and manners; empower them to stand apart from the crowd. Let's help them to be brave, and stand with them when they feel lonely. Let's keep talking to our kids about this. It's easy to not understand the pressures our kids are under each and every day. Its convenient to judge what they are doing without understanding the culture they move within. We may not have the answers, but remember, our kids don't either...let's walk alongside them in this world of instant technology that can feel oh so captivating.  I'm curious to hear your feedback on this, leave your comments below!

Sheri Carlstrom is the 2010 National Young Mother of the Year.  Sheri was born in Duluth, Minnesota, has lived in Michigan, and now resides in Fort Wayne, Indiana. She knows what it is like to move to a new place and have to find your spot in a community. She attended classes at a community college and the University of Minnesota. Sheri has been married to Kevin for nineteen years. They have four children. Sheri has been involved in MOPS, International as a young mother, a leader, and a Mentor Mom. She works at Sonrise Church as Communications Director. She writes a blog, and co-owns a small business with her sister.  Her time is spent driving children to activities, sitting in bleachers, volunteering at church, going to the YMCA to keep both her physical and mental health in check. She also finds herself reading, writing and checking and rechecking the calendar to make sure she hasn't forgotten a child somewhere.  You can read about her year over at "Mother of the WHAT?"

Think of all the history you have with your daughter, all the bonding and good times: First birthday and first day of school. First stitches and ballet shoes. School programs, Brownie Scout meetings, and inevitable skinned knees. First pierced earrings, lipstick, heels, and dates. Graduation and all the years and laughter and tears—and arguments—in between.

The closeness of the mother-daughter bond holds much potential for joy—but also for conflict. Usually the conflict starts in the teenage years, if not before. When your daughter was little, she may have clip-clopped around in your red high heels and said, “Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up!” Yet when she arrived at adolescence, she started rolling her eyes at your advice and letting you know that she didn’t want to be anything like you.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone, but there is hope. I too found my daughter’s separating-transitioning-individuating times difficult, and at times baffling, as you’ll read about in our co-written book, Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want With Your Adult Daughter.  Whether your daughter is pre-teen or is about to launch to a college or job after high school, we share principles that help any relationship grow.

Because the truth is that though when our daughter was born, we had a thousand hopes and dreams for her…including that one day we’d be best friends, even after she transitioned through adolescence and became an adult. But as life unfolds, even the best intentions go awry. There are so many challenges on the journey to adult friendship that the reality is fraught with friction and sometimes frustration. Thankfully, a harmonious relationship with your daughter is possible.

Here are a few things we share to get you thinking and let us encourage you to try one this summer to strengthen your relationship:

Find a Fresh Way to Bond through helping others. It’s fun to go shopping with our daughters, but how about bonding through serving together? For example, you could walk for a cause. Choose a walkathon or a 5K run that raises funds for a cause you both care about, train together, and then enjoy doing the event together. A mom and daughter we know had a great experience walking a marathon to raise money for pediatric cancer research. Or you could both volunteer for an animal rescue shelter if you love dogs or cats. Think about what issues you really care about and present the idea to your daughter. Serving or giving something worthwhile can help the two of you connect in a deeper way.

Take a personality or temperament test. You and your daughter can understand each other better by looking at the ways you relate to situations and people. Invite her to take a personality test (Google “personality tests” or check out testcafe.com) and talk about what you discover about each other. Even if you’ve known your daughter her whole life, this is a great way to learn something new about each other.

Make your own soundtrack. If you’re taking a trip this summer, make your own mother-daughter CD with each of your favorite tunes to play in the car. (This works great too if you’re just riding around together doing errands or taking her places.) It can create great background music for enjoying some time together.

Watch mother-daughter movies. Viewing a movie with a mother-daughter theme can make a fun “girls’ night.” Shared movies like The Joy Luck Club, Because I Said So, Pride and Prejudice, Becoming Jane, Steel Magnolias, or One True Thing are wonderful conversation starters, whether your daughter is ten, twenty, or beyond.

Learn something new. When Catherine’s relationship with her daughter was strained, she asked Elizabeth what she really wanted to learn or explore. Elizabeth loved to cook, so her mom signed them both up for a number of cooking classes. These cooking experiences kept mom and daughter connected during their most difficult communication periods. They kept building bridges, understanding grew—and they both became excellent gourmet cooks.

As we share in our book, today Ali and I have the friendship—the mother-daughter duet—I’d hoped for. We understand each other more, accept each other, and even appreciate and celebrate our differences. We have forgiven one another for inevitable hurts and made peace with the past. We truly enjoy each other’s company and friendship. But it was not a quick process. It took a lot of work to get here. For a long while it seemed that when we were together, we clashed like a junior high school band more than we harmonized like a skilled orchestra—and there was no way we were going to sing a duet. We had no idea what a long journey it would be, but it’s definitely been worth the effort.

The relationship between mothers and daughters is intense, personal, complex, and unique. But you can have the loving, authentic bond you always dreamed of—when you learn the mother-daughter duet.

CHERI FULLER is a best-selling, award-winning author whose books have sold more than one million copies. She loves to encourage moms of all ages, speaks at a wide range of women’s events, and is a frequent guest on national radio and TV programs. Her website, www.cherifuller.com, has a blog, articles, and inspiration. Cheri is a member of the Oklahoma Mothers, teaches a parenting and prayer course to moms in prison, and loves being a grandma to their six lively grandkids. She was named the 2004 Oklahoma Mother of the Year.

ALI PLUM is Cheri’s 33 year old daughter, a writer and songwriter, a wife and mother to Noah and Luke, her seven and eight year old sons she delights in nurturing. Mother-Daughter Duet: Getting to the Relationship You Want With Your Adult Daughter marks her debut as an author. Ali was recognized as the 2004 Oklahoma Young Mother. 

That of course is the hope of every mother that their children’s environment be considered the best there is on earth and that there is no place else their children would rather be than at home with their family in a nurturing environment.   I believe every child longs for those feelings in their heart.  It is basic to their sense of security and trust.  Safety ranks high in their mind these days, and is laid at rest when their home is that safe place.

What does a mother do to insure that these feelings are etched into their children’s minds and hearts?  What must she do to allay all fears of what is happening in the world that may look frightening and disconcerting.  How can your dearest children know that you are always there for comfort, security and safety?  How can they be insured that you will protect them, love them and provide emotional and physical security at all levels.

I believe it takes a lot of talk, a lot of sharing and a lot of allowance for expressed fears, concerns and worries of the unknown that face us all.  Without open dialogue we rarely know the inner thoughts that trouble our children.  Without gentleness and understanding they don’t feel safe expressing these feelings unless there is a receptive parent to hear them out.

I believe children should be shielded from anything that might generate fear within them, but that is not always possible.  They pick up an unknown amount of misinformation from friends and others they over hear.  Inquire regularly as to what they have heard and been told.

Make your home a joyful one where worries, inappropriate national news and emotional pain are absent.  Make their time in your home pleasant, uplifting and enriching so that they love to be there.  Make them feel part of the circle of love and acceptance where they are cherished and valued.  Recognize verbally their positive addition to the family.

As a precaution, gather the children together and create family plans for dealing with the unknowns.  Discuss such things as fire, weather problems or earthquakes.  Assure them that you are prepared and capable of handling such things.  Show them the emergency supplies such as clothing, footwear, blankets, food, water and first aid supplies.  Let them know these are necessary preparations for everyone.  Comfort should come as they know their family is ready and prepared for the things that are worrisome.  This should be done with light heartedness, not with foreboding doom.  Protect them for those kinds of feelings. Be upbeat and positive so that your preparations instill a sense of unity and purpose, rather than a sense of fear.

Happy is the child who has a bond of love with their parents, who has a safe place to be away from the world of confusion, a place to rest their bodies when they are tired and a place to be nourished daily with food and loving care.  Let us provide a place where fears can be left at the doorstep.

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon

If I were to be preparing a parenting tool kit, there is one powerful tool that I would make certain was included even before little ones arrived in my arms.  It’s a handy tool to use with your husband and with everyone you know for that matter.  It’s the tool that makes all of the difference in relationship building and one that creates bonds of trust, love and support. It is top on my list of messages to preach to moms old and young, or anyone treading the parenting path.  If you haven’t guessed, it is the vitally important tool of listening.  Don’t say you have that one “down pat” until you’ve considered how many kinds of listening levels there are.

How many ways can you listen?  Do any of these sound familiar?

* Listening to analyze and give advice.

* Listening with questions and disapproval

*Artificial listening (bored and disinterested)

*Listening with interruptions

*Selective listening

*Defensive listening

*Multi-task listening

*or listening with understanding and acceptance

I hope you have landed on the last statement as the one to which you hope to aspire, to implement with your loved ones and to incorporate into your parenting philosophy.  Had I known this in advance of being a mom, I would have ranked it higher than all other tools, simply because of its lasting effects on the family.   I didn’t know, so I am just now recovering lost opportunities that might have had simpler resolutions.

What I know now is this.  Experts in psychology and communication believe that many problems in society, business and family relationships can be traced to poor listening.  All of us experience hurt feelings, weakened relationships and abandonment of ideas and opportunities because we felt we were not heard.  Maybe we never received validation or approval for thoughts, ideas or expressed feelings.  We never knew where we stood in the eyes of those superior in role to us.  We possibly were brushed aside by those we respected and admired.  

So let us determine to erase bad listening habits and replace them with more effective ones by knowing that from infancy to adulthood, each human being wants to be heard, recognized and validated.  They want respect and some sense of being understood.  Agreement is not the need as much as knowing their message was received and considered.  

 Here are ideas, some of which I knew and others I wish I had known as a parent:

1. Concentrate on your child’s words and feelings (use eye contact and a calm body)

2. Do not interrupt 

3.  Don’t make assumptions and create arguments

4. Focus on the words and feelings, not the personality or appearance

5.  Most important:  learn the skill of reflective listening.  

Reflective listening is a wonderful way to make someone feel heard.  It simply is restating, re-clarifying, repeating back or asking questions that carry the conversation further to let the child see and feel your interest in what is being said.  It is a way of letting them know you completely understand what they are saying and that you respect them.  Practice this in your mind to get comfortable with the technique.

Never give up or think it too difficult to employ these listening skills.  Never ignore the importance of giving ear.  Your effort is well worth the reward you’ll receive in the relationship of trust that you will establish.  

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President presiding over Education.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

Recently I was asked to write about a special Mother's Day memory for a local newspaper.  This caused me to stop and think for a bit because typically I enjoy honoring others on this special day and have never really spent much time focused on myself.  Don't get me wrong, there have been many a Mother's Day where I have taken FULL advantage of it being MY day...no cooking, no cleaning....sleeping in uninterrupted. However, that is not what I described for this local paper.  Instead, I wrote about a special moment, and one I will cherish forever:

I have always enjoyed doing something nice for mothers who have had a positive influence on me, most especially my own wonderful mother.  Several years ago, our daughter, who was six at the time had spent most of Mother's Day helping me prepare for a Mother's Day dinner we were hosting at our home for that purpose.  She informed me in her sweet six year old voice, that she would be taking a break from the cooking and cleaning to work on another project for a bit. She returned a little later, and insisted I be blindfolded while she held my hand and led me outside into the back yard.   As she sat me down in the middle of the grass and removed my blindfold, I noticed she had a basket full of various colored flower petals in her hands.  It was a very large basket and it was obvious she had ventured into other yards for this bountiful acquisition.  When I questioned where she had found so many beautiful flowers, she just shot me a quiet smile knowing our neighbors might turn a blind eye at this minor infraction.  Then, she politely silenced me and proceeded to walk around in a circle, showering me with these flower petals and singing from the song, 'Your Love is Amazing', by Phillips, Craig & Dean... "Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Your Love Makes Me Sing," she sang over and over again until she ran out of flowers, when at just that moment our son bounded from around the corner with a fresh supply for her basket.  I hugged them both with tears in my eyes, a joyful heart and a treasured Mother's Day memory.  

Just curious....what is your favorite Mother's Day memory?  I know you have one, and we would love for you to share it with us, here.

Connell Branan has been a member of American Mothers since 2006 when she was named the National Young Mother of the Year and currently serves as the organization's 1st Vice President.   She has an undergraduate degree from the University of Southern California and previously worked in Washington D.C. on the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.  She and her husband live in Oklahoma with their two children where Cliff serves in the Oklahoma State Senate and Connell spends her time being a mom and volunteering in the community. 

Be aware that trauma to a child can be a wide range of things and often, unfortunately, not even considered as a trauma by the parent.  Some of the more obvious ones might be the loss of a family member, loss of a pet, either to death or “run away”, parental divorce, abuse in any form, natural disaster, a tragedy with long reaching tentacles from accidents, birth defects, or a number of other varying circumstances.  Even a move to a new school or neighborhood can have lasting effects, if viewed by the child as traumatic.

I would never negate the assistance of professional help when necessary.  I only suggest that parents take their role seriously as well, in handling the resulting emotional cycle that will likely occur.  Be aware that some or all of these things may happen through the initial stages of a Trauma Cycle:

1. The trauma occurs

2. The child emotionally may become numb to the outside world

3.  Physical reactions may occur such as crying, shaking, illness, extreme emotional outbursts, vomiting, etc.

4.  The child has a great need to talk about the situation

5.  Anger and blame manifest themselves

6.  Feelings want and need to be shared

7.  Calming down period

8.  Ability to move on

I am not a professional, but just a mom who has seen and personally experienced a fair share of these things.  Great sensitivity and support is needed for both you and the child.  Seek to understand more than anything else.  Strive to fill the “emotional well” of the child with deep feelings of reassurance and love.  Be ever so patient with the child’s inconsistent maturity levels and fluctuations in handling simple tasks and responsibilities.  Be aware that feelings of isolation, loneliness, and secretiveness may occur.   There may be trust issues.  Watch for depression or any tendency to hurt themselves.  Rely on outside help, personal support and a higher power to help carry the family burden.

My rule of thumb, while parenting, was:  if a child’s behavior, personality or appearance changed radically in a short period of time, it was my role to initiate intense “one on one” time with the child to talk, listen, resolve and support.  It was necessary then to evaluate the intensity of daily experiences.  Many times you may never know the depth of minor “school traumas” or the results of the “mean child syndrome” which may have affected your youngster.  Dependant on your child’s sensitivity, these things can be equal to other more major trauma’s already mentioned.    

Never think this problem will just disappear or become inconsequential over time. Trauma at all levels will be etched into the conscious and unconscious brain indefinitely.  Revisit the conversations about them as needed and by all means do your research and “homework” to know what your options are in dealing with the specifics of your family situation.  Never make the assumption, time will simply “heal all wounds”.  It definitely will, but you want to be so acutely attuned that residual effects are minimized and strength is given to the child to handle and manage his own continuous healing.  Provide tools that each child can apply to his own situation to  as they move on.  Giving meaning and purpose to their personal traumas will help heal them and give impetus to their being sensitive and helpful to others.   

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President presiding over Education.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

I am not sure my using the term “golden rule” is meaningful in this day and age, but I believe it should still have application.  People, including those still young, should learn to “do unto others as they would HAVE others do unto them.”  They should certainly be well aware of how their actions affect others.  In fact, as a preschool teacher I would often place two conflicting children face to face and say: “How does your friend feel?” If the child didn’t respond, I would say, “I think their feelings just got hurt.  Look at their face”.  Teaching sensitivity goes hand in hand with making right choices.  It is part of raising respectful children who make good choices in how they treat other people.

Without consistent ethical training that children need, both at home and in school, it is unlikely we will churn out the stellar citizens we want to run our nation.  Morally strong kids don’t happen by accident.  Lucky children have determined parents, who strive to live, teach and insist on this kind of behavior.  Call it moral courage, moral agency or a moral code, but let it be known that it all falls under the category of raising strong American children who can handle the many challenges that will likely face them in the future.  It means being taught while young what is the right thing to do and what is completely and unacceptably not.  It is pretty black and white in the department of ethical training in my mind. 

First, be open and honest with your children about your own difficulties and personal struggles.  Share some of the things that you wished, in hindsight, you had acted upon more carefully, including some of the mistakes you made.  Be real and transparent with family members.  In the end, they will figure it out, and it is much better if they learn it clearly from you and know your process for learning and doing things both right and wrong.  

Second, as early as possible incorporate into your daily conversations, “this is the right thing to do” and ask them frequently when they are faced with a dilemma “what is the right choice to make?”  Reinforce that concept often.  Role play common scenarios, brainstorm together, and help them to decide in advance “what would you do if…?”solutions.

Third, our bodies can provide feelings that help all of us perceive good and bad.  Usually children’s inner sense is pretty accurate and they can understand danger in critical moments, bad decisions in other times and the results of right choices too.  Teach them to listen to the positive dictates within. 

Children are quite capable of learning ethical principles while they are young.  Honesty, responsibility, patriotism, work and respect for all people should be part of their thinking from as early as they can toddle.  From school years forward, you might try to focus on one concept a month to instill your desired ethical values.  Give praise liberally for all of the good decisions your children make.  Avoid the desire to bail them out when they’ve made bad choices.  Their natural consequences will be beneficial. Teach them that success and good things happen because they are earned, and earning what they want takes good decisions.  Make an effort to catch them doing things that you can positively reinforce.  Always allow them to earn your respect and admiration. You will be justly proud of your good citizens when all is said and done. 

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, Marilyn has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chairman, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position with American Mothers as 2nd Vice President on the National Board of Directors.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

I have four children ages 10 to 3, and three of those children are boys.  So we have a lively, rowdy house.  Even as I am writing this I can hear dodge ball being played in the family room and I am waiting for the crash.  But any mother with multiple children will testify that you have to have a plan to survive.  Dentist checkups, doctors appointments, sporting events, birthday parties, play dates, church functions, homework  and more are crazy enough to track for one, but multiplying it times four is not for the faint of heart.  If you do not have a plan, you can plan to fail.  There must be some semblance of organization, even if it is not perfect.

You have to have a schedule and then most importantly, schedule time in for nothing.  That is a whole other blog, but we have to give our kids down time at home and not over-schedule our children.  Family time is so important, and family time in our home is even more important.  Taking a few minutes in the beginning of the week to plan ahead will save you so much stress and aggravation, and even time.

First look for ideas to simplify.  Simplify anything that drives you crazy.  Change those things first.  Once I went through my house and got rid of everything I had been holding onto that I didn’t want.  I had kept items because they had been a gift and I felt guilty for giving them away.  But they were not items that I liked or used.  So I donated them.  I took a big trash box and went through paper piles, magazines and old what-knots that were of no value.  De-cluttering was a way of simplifying for me.  It’s funny how de-cluttering your office or home can de-clutter your mind too.

Secondly, you should get your kids in on the responsibility of running your home.  I am not suggesting breaking child labor laws but teach them early and have expectations of them.  From the time my children could walk they were learning to put their toys away.  They were making their own toddler beds and dressing themselves at 2 years old.  Not well, but they were learning.  They also would help me at 2 and 3 years old to empty the dishwasher.  I would remove all glass and knives and then they would hand me the other dishes and I would put them away.  They learned very early how to put the silverware away by themselves.  My 5 year old and 6 year old sons share a queen size bed and the 5 year old can make the queen size bed almost perfectly! My 10 year old can sort laundry and is learning to work the machines.  All the children pick up their toys and clean their rooms before they crawl into bed at night.  They feel very proud and independent, and we as parents get to brag about their achievements and contributions.  If you are willing to let things be done in a less than perfect manner, allowing their participation will make your job so much easier.  You will also be raising up responsible and independent little people.

Another way to simplify is to avoid that 5 o’clock panic by knowing what you are going to have for dinner ahead of time.  I recruited two of my cousins and we each planned out 5 nights of meals.  Then we emailed each other what we were having, with recipes if necessary, and by doing so we each had 15 meal ideas.  It wasn’t the preparing of meals that stressed me out, it was figuring out what to have.  This eliminated the stress of family dinner time.  And it was fun to get new ideas from other moms.

Remember that when your house is a dodge ball field and there are dirty socks in the toy box or your hair brush is being used to comb the dog.... that someday, soon,  your house will be too quiet and too clean.  So, enjoy a little chaos, but for your own survival and sanity implement strategies that will allow you some order and peace.  For me, a good use of my time right now might be a trip to the store for a whistle and black and white striped jersey!

Kimberly Wright is currently the National Young Mother of the Year from Nevada.   She graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. While in college Kimberly volunteered with Big Brothers Big Sisters and was a Court Appointed Special Advocate and volunteered with foster children programs for several years. In 1996 Kimberly married John Wright and in 2000, John and Kimberly welcomed the first of their 4 children.  Kimberly is an Executive Regional Vice President with a Swiss wellness company. Kimberly and her family are active at their church and she loves any opportunity to serve in ministry. Kimberly enjoys taking Bible studies, reading, and playing outside with her family.

Looking back now with a bit more wisdom,  it has become crystal clear, even glaringly obvious why and how this behavior gets started in our children.  No they are not born with it.  No it is not a gene mutation.  Procrastination is a simple and sometimes silent way to rebel.  It is a way for children to take back power when they have been over controlled.

The questions for you to ask are: “Am I as the parent the source of the control issue?  Am I the one who is enforcing the rules and expectations in such a way that I have removed my child’s free agency?  I am nagging, manipulating and use guilt to make the child comply?  If these answers are “yes” then unfortunately it is probably your parental behaviors causing the problem.  I know that is hard to accept.

It doesn’t matter how that power was administered, whether harshly or in a sweet talk method, the child is simply responding with the message:  I will orchestrate my own life and do “it” when, how and on my terms.   Once this decision becomes internalized it then becomes a behavior habit which will in time turn to a sub conscious pattern.

The draw back then is that even though there may come a time when they want to meet expectations, their sub conscious procrastinating mind will not be congruent with their conscious mind.  There will be a conflict they don’t even know how to handle themselves.  Minds are amazing things and we must be aware of what lurks beneath the obvious level when sincerely trying to understand our children.

Okay, you say, I admit “I have put a bit of pressure on this child to perform in certain ways”.  What do I do now?  What about the spouse whose procrastination also “bugs” me?  There is not an easy fix so prepare for a transition time while you begin creating a change yourself.  Then be prepared for a lengthier time to see change in the child’s habit of procrastination.  For the spouse, I am not sure there is much you can do about that problem except to kindly express your feelings and tolerate it.  I am not a believer in trying to change people, but merely helping them to see a new pathway.

For procrastination in general here are a few tips:

1. Reexamine your management style and make sure you are not a controlling parent.  Study other ways to handle your children that will provide them with a feeling of empowerment. 

2.  Allow the child to feel the consequences of his actions, without any negative commentary.  Express empathy for whatever trouble it has caused them.

3. Simply ask two questions to help the child ponder their own issue:

a. How does procrastination help you?

b. How does procrastination hurt you?

Let the child decide and ponder these questions without you providing your feelings on it.

4. Know that this is an emotional issue and sometimes simply makes the child feel “safe”.  It may be a message that they want to “hide” themselves or they my just want more control over their own life.

Always allow the opportunity for open discussion, support and love.  This is a shared problem which you may or may not have been responsible for.  Be gentle and loving on both yourself and your child as you endeavor to change the pattern.

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  She has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, Marilyn has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chairman, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position with American Mothers as 2nd Vice President on the National Board of Directors.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

We have to be sure we know what our priorities are and then spend time in those areas first.  I am a firm believer that God gives us all the time each day to do what we need to accomplish.  And if I can’t finish everything I need too then I am doing something God did not intend for me to be doing right now.  Sometimes I have to revisit that philosophy when I find myself stressed and find what needs to be cut out.  It isn’t that a particular activity or task isn’t something I should ever do, just maybe not during this season in my life.  We have to strive for balance - especially for ourselves.

You MUST take care of yourself.  Moms are usually last on our list of priorities.  This is where I was a martyr.  I come from a long, proud line of martyrs so I was very good at it.  “No, I will do it myself.”  “I can’t get everything done that EVERYONE expects me to do!”  “I don’t have any time.”  “I have to do everything myself if I want it done.”  Thank God for spiritual growth!  Mothers must stop and do something for ourselves - regularly.  Yes, our jobs are important, but we are not loading astronauts.  The world will not stop if that load of laundry is not done right now.  Or if we have to have sandwich night again.  It’s okay.  You must listen to yourself and not ignore the signs that you are in need of some rejuvenation.  When my patience gets short over the smaller things I know it is time for me to take a break for myself.  It is very true that “if momma ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy!”

When you are on an airplane the airline attendant always tells us in the event of an emergency and the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first before trying to help a child or someone in need.  It is not our instinct to take care of ourselves before taking care of others.  But we cannot serve our family if we are not at our best.  We have to be healthy first – mentally, physically and spiritually.  And those things take time.

We have to do things that refill our cup – that is our mental.  That is going to be different for all of us.  A good, sappy romance novel is a great mini-vacation for me.  A date night with my husband alone really puts me back on the right track.

Physically I have to be the example in my family.  Yes, that means nutrition and exercise.  I know – ugh!  But we have to keep our kids active and eating healthy and they have to see us setting that example as a lifestyle.  And we will be better for it.

Being spiritually refilled takes time too.  You have to take the quite time to meditate on God’s Word.  Whatever it is that speaks to you, you must do it.  If we don’t learn to take care of ourselves first we will raise a bunch of stressed out little people.

A saying that I love and try to live by is this:  Don’t allow anything in your life that you don’t want duplicated in your child’s life.  Our children are watching us and learning.  You are the glue that holds your family together and they deserve the best you that you can be.  And YOU deserve to be the best you that you can be.  Now go take a bubble bath!

Kimberly Wright is currently the National Young Mother of the Year from Nevada.   She graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. While in college Kimberly volunteered with Big Brothers Big Sisters and was a Court Appointed Special Advocate and volunteered with foster children programs for several years. In 1996 Kimberly married John Wright and in 2000, John and Kimberly welcomed the first of their 4 children.  Kimberly is an Executive Regional Vice President with a Swiss wellness company. Kimberly and her family are active at their church and she loves any opportunity to serve in ministry. Kimberly enjoys taking Bible studies, reading, and playing outside with her family.

Before you disregard this tool, realize that after 40 years of parenting I still find it useful.  I was validated by knowing that dozens of sites about it can be found on “google” now.  This tells me it is still a sought after and viable method of communication for parents even today.   So in summary, what I will explain is still, and probably always will be an effective way to communicate to your family.  

So let’s begin.  Simply stated, instead of starting your sentences with the word “you”,  (which inevitably puts children on the spot) try starting your comments with the word “I”.  For example, instead of saying: “You must do your homework now!”  Try instead the “I” approach by saying something like, “I believe now is the best time to begin your homework…..”  Then you may state all of your reasons.  The emphasis has been removed from telling the child what to do, and replaced it with your expectations and wishes.  

Turned the other way, “you” directed statements have the possibility of creating rebellious attitudes about being told what to do.  They are also the way many parents send messages that are threatening, preaching, bribing, advising, none of which build self esteem or problem solving skills.

 “I messages” provide a more positive approach for both you and your children. The best part is reduced tension, less rebellious behavior and more compliance to family policies. 

So if you find your dialogues with your children being received with resentment or deaf ears, consider tweaking your messages with the following phrases: “I am concerned…..,”, “ I feel….”,  “I personally think……” and on and on.   

Determine never again to habitually say, “you didn’t….”, “ you said….”, “you must…”  and so forth.  Remember that technique may work in the arena of communication, but is far less gentle and effective than the positive “I Message” technique.  This one has stood the test of time for over 40 years and is still helping families successfully communicate now.     

Once mastered, don’t be surprised if many conflicts get deflected, more respect is shown, less resistance is evident and you suddenly find your children becoming less offended by parental direction. Happily you may expect, more willingness to listen attentively to your wishes and concerns.  I believe once mastered, this improved method of communication can help motherhood become the joy it was meant to be.    

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

I instinctively knew as a mother that the main ingredient for happy and successful families and for stable children was that vital link of LOVE.  What I did not know was what spelled love to children.  How do they best discern the depth of feelings that we as moms have for them?  If this was an automatic gift from us to them, I am guessing there would be many fewer troubled and homeless children.  There would be fewer incidences of domestic child violence and other disturbing things. So what does say LOVE to children?

For some of my parenting years, I thought there was a book that would answer that question.  I thought there should be a routine parenting report card to help me evaluate how I was doing. Neither were available.  I thought spending my time doing the usual mothering things of changing diapers, doing laundry and managing feedings was the necessary message of love.  I thought losing sleep, giving up self care and keeping a tidy environment provided a clear view of my deep feelings.  Nope!  That didn’t prove to be the case nearly as much as what I learned in hindsight that I happily share with others who might have that same gnawing question.  What do children perceive as love?  Besides verbally expressing love, which I hope is a given, here are my favorite five love producing skills.  

#1.  Focused listening

#2.  Engaged TIME together

#3.  Emotional Safety

#4.   Relaxed body language

#5.  Physical contact

Knowing a few sentences won’t describe the value of these 5 key points, I hope you might identify at least one that you can hone in on and explore in more depth.

Focused Listening:  

Children thrive on eye to eye contact, kind and sensitive acknowledgment of their words, and mom being fully present when they have things to say.  Please include positive specific feedback in your conversations.

Engaged time together:  

Spontaneous singing, dancing, laughter or other engaging activities bind you together through shared joy.  Plan spending time together that your children can count on.  One on one time together is especially beneficial. 

Emotional Safety:

This is complete trust and confidence that what they say and do as children will not be scorned, punished, criticized or made fun of.  They feel free to share feelings and emotions because you are a good listener and can empathize and give encouragement.

Relaxed body language:

There is no sense that your presence radiates tension or uneasiness.  There is no fear that they are wasting your time or infringing on your rights.

Physical contact:

Every human being has a need to be hugged, nurtured and comfortable with appropriate touch.  The nerve endings of the skin thrive on stroking the back or arms, pats on the back and shoulder and being snuggled and held when needed.  

Don’t spend time wondering if you are a loving parent.  Plug into “the favorite five” and see the results in happier, healthier families which are more united and secure as family units.  The love shared will be a two way street.

Marilyn Dougall  is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren.  Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers.  As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President.  Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

So, in the mail arrived 4 red bowls.  Here is the part that shouted “I only had one child.”  They were all 4 different in shape and size.  So there was now a new fight because one was much smaller and one much bigger and two were just different.  Of course food tasted the best out of the biggest bowl.  So the morning battle continued.  And I continued the same mantra of being thankful and content with what you have.  But it made me stop and think about how many times they have heard me grumble about wanting new furniture or a new car.  Or standing in my closet full of clothes murmuring that I have nothing to wear.  Or what about the nights that I stand in the kitchen saying that I don’t feel like cooking dinner.  I wonder what impact that is having on their thoughts.  What if they heard me whisper “thank you Lord for a car that runs and gets us safely around?”  What if they heard me say a prayer of thanksgiving that we have clothes to wear and plenty of food to eat when so many others go to bed hungry?  It is my mission after pondering this that my children see me taking good care of what God has entrusted me and blessed me with.  And that they frequently hear words of gratitude come from my mouth.  It may not have too much of an impact now, but I am confident it will plant a seed in them just as my Grandma planted those seeds in me.  I never heard her complain about something she didn’t have and she never complained about what she did have.  Someday hopefully my children can say that about their mother!  And in the meantime, we will get new red bowls – identical red bowls!

Kimberly Wright, the 2009 National Young Mother of the Year, was born in Hominy, Oklahoma but now makes Las Vegas, Nevada her home. She graduated from the University of Oklahoma with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. While in college Kimberly volunteered with Big Brothers Big Sisters and was a Court Appointed Special Advocate and volunteered with foster children programs for several years. In 1996 Kimberly married John Wright and in 2000, John and Kimberly welcomed the first of their 4 children.  Kimberly is an Executive Regional Vice President with a Swiss wellness company. Kimberly and her family are active in their church and she loves any opportunity to serve in ministry. Kimberly enjoys taking Bible studies, reading, and playing outside with her family.

These joyful songs ingrained in their minds, their nerves, and their muscles how to stop.   Later in the year, I taught them how to do the same thing with just an outstretched flat hand signal that also meant STOP!  I observed body language that told me they could control everything about themselves all at the same time with just a single word.  “Mission Accomplished”.

 Why did I feel this so important that I included it annually as part of my curriculum from infancy onwards?  Teaching it in early childhood had many long range benefits.  Consider how many times a young mom needs to stop a toddler from dangerous experiences.   Think about the preschooler out of control and needing a single word to help them comply.   What about the “verbally sassy” school age child who needs to learn respect with their words?  STOP covers all of these situations and if utilized appropriately, the teenager will understand the significance of this word in their life too.  It can easily bring any crisis to neutral and pave the way for more calming explanatory words.  It just means the same as “enough is enough” but is said with more clarity and strength.  

Issuing the statement “stop” can bring immediate attention to whatever situation is at hand.  It will eliminate the need of extensive dialogue.  If the young child recognizes what is expected when hearing the word it will be the reason numerous accidents can be prevented.  It will take the heat out of sibling rivalry when applied at the crisis moment when both sides are jumping over boundaries.  Equally important, the non verbal hand signal works wonders in social situations when you don’t wish to be quite so abrupt with your words.

Stop is an effective “tool” to redirect most any kind of inappropriate behavior.  Every parent knows that there are times when children’s behavior can simply not be ignored.  It might be behaviors that potentially lead to serious harm to people or property.  Such things need a swift redirection method to communicate quickly and clearly.  Saying stop with firmness helps them maintain control and composure.  But most important, it should not be combined with judgments, name calling or criticism.  

When you have halted the behavior or words, what comes next?  

1.  Explain the troublesome behavior you observed or heard

2.  Briefly explain why it is troublesome and your concerns as to what its end result might be.

3.  Describe the desired behavior and why this behavior is expected.

4.  End with some kind of positive conclusion to your dialogue, and reinforce positive expectations. 

Caution: This is not a word to be used so routinely that it wears out its effectiveness. It is not a daily command, and it is not for every quibble and infraction.  It is for those times when the situation requires immediate resolution when tempers have flared, physical aggressiveness is evident and children are acting in mindless manners.  Simply stated it is useful when things have gone farther than is your comfort level.  

This parenting tool will be effective when used with love and firmness at the necessary moments.  It will provide a finalizing moment to something that may have escalated.    Use it wisely and sparingly.  

1. NO!!  (any time you must finish the negotiation process and there is no more leniency left within you)

2. NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR! (for the child who intentionally is disrespectful of anyone or anything)

3. NOT APPROPRIATE (the clown acting out in places they should not, such as at church or in a concert)

4. IT IS YOUR CHOICE, BUT REMEMBER I DISAPPROVE  (anytime the strong willed determined child is going to do things their way no matter what)

5. WHEN YOUR CHORES ARE DONE, THEN WE WILL LEAVE……(when the burden needs to be on the child’s shoulders to get where they need to be in a timely manner)

6. I WOULD LIKE TO BUT I AM WAITING FOR YOU TO…….AS WE AGREED UPON... (fulfill any responsibility left undone)

7. THERE IS NO DISCUSSION FURTHER ON THIS MATTER…..(when you are done and have no more emotional energy for this conversation).

8. Use the word WHEN and not IF when you are trying to expedite matters.  (“when the homework is done” and not “if the homework is done”….)

These phrases do not demean, judge, blame or nag.  They are matter of fact.  They are concise and clear pieces of information that provide enough clarification for the child to know there is no sense carrying things further because the final parental word has been stated.  They are reminder words of predetermined expectations and established family boundaries.  

The very most important aspect of utilizing these phrases is that they MUST be uttered in a voice void of emotionally negative feelings and energy.  They are not those uttered when you are “at the end of your rope” and the child has engaged you in battle where anger results.  Realize that the more you can remove negative emotions from all behavior management situations, the easier managing will be and fewer battles will occur.  Some children powerfully thrive on creating anger and frustration.  Keep those feelings in check.  Determine in advance that you will avoid engaging in any combative words.  These verbal situations become toxic and non productive.  Just refuse the invitation to engage that way and be firm and as stated, matter of fact.

Wise and conscientious parenting does not mean we buckle to every whim or disagreement, nor does it assure a conflict free environment.  Wise parenting means you know when you must take a stand and which approach is best for the circumstances.  In some cases it might call for a forth right declarative stand and in some cases the situation will be better handled with a gentle voice and soft touch.  You must be sensitive to which is most appropriate at the time.  

We often hear it is smart to “pick your battles wisely”.  However,   I believe it is also wise to avoid battles when sensitivity and clarity of words will work just as well.    

 Marilyn Dougall is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren. Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers. As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President.  She also presides over the Education Committee for American Mothers. Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

I have heard the same question posed to me numerous times.  It goes something like this:  “How do I get my children to comply with family rules and expectations?”   I think the parent is asking, “What makes a child obey without argument, negative behavior or disruption to family harmony?”  The parental woes go something like this: “we just want them to do their homework, we just want them to practice the piano, we just want them to do their family chores, etc.” The list could go on and on.  Parents have many expectations and rightfully so, but how they deal with them is quite essential for the home front to stay peaceful.  Sometimes the challenge is difficult, but never insurmountable.

I do believe our best parenting tool is as a teacher, with the concept in mind that when children clearly understand why and what is expected, they more willingly rise to the expectations.  A short phrase, not of my own making, but nevertheless one that guided and transformed my parenting role said: “Teach correct principles and let the child govern themselves.” 

For a child to govern them self, they must be allowed the opportunity to make choices and feel the consequences of their choices.  They must be taught where there choices lead and what constitutes a good choice.  The must be taught what the principles are that prevail in your home.  

Those principles will vary from family to family, but they might be something like this: 

*Education is important because it leads to greater happiness and success 

*Rules are necessary because they keep us safe 

*Family trust and unity strengthens all of us

*Honesty is the best policy in our family and in the world

The list is yours to make according to your beliefs and values.

Teaching with love will provide a reservoir of knowledge, security and values for future need when the child is left to his own thinking to “govern” them self. 

Just as I think our best tool is teaching, I think our worst tool and error is our tendency is to punish the child when they fail to follow the rules, principles and expectations. Punishment, whether it be withholding privileges or something more emotionally or physically harmful, sends a confusing message to the child.  More often than not the result is greater anger, resentment, retaliation and lowered self esteem.  It may provide a “temporary fix” to the problem, but the lasting results are harmful.  

 One of the child’s basic needs and rights ought to be the opportunity to make choices and feel the consequences, not to be punished for wrong choices, but to learn from them.   In essence it is to be empowered and not diminished as they learn life’s lessons.  Inflicted punishment diminishes a child, but learned consequences can be empowering in and of themselves. 

 Please always be an advocate for your child.  Let them feel you are in the “their corner and on their side.”  Seek to see things from their point of view.  Validate their good choices.  Teach anew those principles they misunderstood and failed to apply.  Do not jump to conclusions as to why they disobeyed, made wrong decisions or embarrassed you as a parent, but seek to understand their reasoning so you maintain a strong positive emotional bond.  In doing so both you and the child, and most likely your entire household will experience a greater sense of peace and harmony.  

Marilyn Dougall is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren. Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers. As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vice President.  She also presides over the Education Committee for American Mothers. Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

As a family, a large one at that, everyone knew we worked together. Much of Saturday morning was chore time. Children took the “job list” they wanted to do for the morning block of work time. Sometimes I assigned them by name dependant on the needed outcome. I not only prepared the individual lists, but decided whether each Saturday would be a “good clean day” or a “quick clean day”. I had charts that defined how those two differed. There wasn’t much complaint about this routine. It just was a fact that this is what we did. I was opposed to bribery, rewards, games, or anything motivational that took my time to implement. I felt such things were unreal in grown up life, so why train anyone with that concept in childhood? For me it was simply the idea that “we do the jobs together because work is necessary and important for the well being of our family and not because there is a treat at the end.”

I suppose this sounds rather harsh on paper, but to my knowledge, none of my children viewed it that way. I was lenient with the outcome, given the fact that the children ranged in age from 2 – 18. I often knew I would have to redo some of the work to reach my standard, but I don’t think they ever saw me do that. That would have been demeaning. For me the process of working cooperatively trumped the outcome. For me the joy of watching children be responsible for their little portion of a larger family unit was the overriding goal.

So what would I share in hind sight? Would I have done it differently? I absolutely would not. As I stated earlier, my children do not maintain the pristine organizational skills that I like to employ, but they have learned and demonstrate always, a far more important principle in their lives. They each have become top notch in one of the most important facets of life and that is their work ethic. They are loyal and committed to what their responsibilities are. They each excel in giving their time in quality ways to whatever job they must do. How did that happen? I do believe that because I was not critical of the outcome and that I did not trivialize the importance of work that my children learned far greater lifelong skills of being reliable, responsible, and committed to whatever was expected of them, whether it was in school or in their professional work careers. They learned to do what was expected, perhaps from following those predetermined expectation lists of their growing up days.

I present just a few suggestions:

1. Never be a task master that punishes or bribes, but simply be a “matter of fact” leader as you demonstrate working together for the higher good. Remember you are establishing their concept of later work ethics.

2. Always be understanding of how the child is feeling with the responsibilities they have. If other things are extremely pressing in their lives, make those allowances and be completely approachable in negotiating what the child needs and what you need.

3. The process is more important than the outcome. Remove all emotional energy that might negatively impact that process or alter your desired outcome.

4. Remember and teach that working together can be fun, unifying and of benefit to everyone.

5. Help each child to understand: This is your life and work will always be part of it. Why not choose to enjoy it.

Marilyn Dougall is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren. Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers. As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vie President. Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.

Melanie Henstrom was the 2009 Oregon Young Mother.  She has 6 beautiful children and a wonderful husband, William Henstrom.  In her "free" time, she enjoys reading, scrapbooking and yoga.  Her favorite saying is, "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all". 

Do you ever feel like there is not enough time in the day?  What I would give to not be tired or simply have 2 extra hours in the day?   I remember the day my twins were born.  I really didn't know how I was going to do the basic things.  At the time I had 5 children under the age of six.  The twin babies would have been enough to keep track of, but to have a 6, 4, and 2 year old potty training, with the twin babies was beyond overwhelming.  So, out if necessity I came up with a few tricks that helped me survive.  

Most people laugh at the first time saving trick. At night, after my husband and I gave the children a bath, we would put our young ones in the clean clothes they would wear the next day.  It saved on laundry and the cost of pajamas.  On Saturday night it was a special treat to sleep in pajamas, because we certainly did not want to put them in church clothes.  As my children have gotten older, and can dress themselves, some of them still put on their clean clothes for the next day, and others choose pajamas.  It makes mornings a lot less hectic and anytime I have less laundry to do, I am happy. 

The next trick I learned came as my children were old enough to do their own laundry.  Each room had their own dirty clothes hamper.  When it was full, the entire content went into the washing machine, then into the dryer, then back up to the room where it originated.  The children knew when they arrived home from school and their clothes were on the floor, that they were expected to put them away. Consequently, I never had to sort or fold the piles of clothes, except my own. This literally saved me hours.  I may not have had the whitest whites in town, but I certainly had more free time. 

My favorite way to cook is with the crock pot.  I don't know how people do without one.  There are so many great recipes that can be converted to the crock pot.  I love having dinner simmering and ready whenever I need it.  If you are not a crock pot cooker, may I suggest you give it a try.  It is perfect for those nights that you are busy and it allows you to spend more time with your children when they get home from school. 

 One last helpful hint that I have learned from having a child with food intolerances.  There are some amazing muffin mixes that are gluten free put out by "The Craving Place".  I purchase them in bulk at amazon.com.   I have learned that you can freeze just about anything that you make and pull it out for future use.  These muffins are perfect for my son who cannot have gluten and I make up a few different flavors and freeze them.  Each day I take out a different flavor for him for his lunch and it is as fresh as the day I made it. 

 Last, but most importantly, I have to say I have found it crucial to put Jesus Christ first in my life.  If mom isn't taking care of herself, then the whole family starts to fall apart.  If I take time to study the scriptures and pray daily, I seem to find more time to do the things I need to do, and want to do.  The Savior is my guide, and when things are tough and life is too busy, I pray for help.  These time saving tricks came as inspiration when there was simply no extra time and helped me make it through the most busy and exhausting time of my life.  I hope they can help some of you too.