American Mothers, Inc.

I must admit to being completely surprised when, after ingraining into my growing children the vision of neat and clean, that none of them necessarily grew up being tidy and fastidious people. Above and beyond many other important things, I prioritized and modeled the concept of a “place for everything and everything in its place.” That modeling did not guarantee or produce model children in that fashion. But it certainly was not a lost cause.

As a family, a large one at that, everyone knew we worked together. Much of Saturday morning was chore time. Children took the “job list” they wanted to do for the morning block of work time. Sometimes I assigned them by name dependant on the needed outcome. I not only prepared the individual lists, but decided whether each Saturday would be a “good clean day” or a “quick clean day”. I had charts that defined how those two differed. There wasn’t much complaint about this routine. It just was a fact that this is what we did. I was opposed to bribery, rewards, games, or anything motivational that took my time to implement. I felt such things were unreal in grown up life, so why train anyone with that concept in childhood? For me it was simply the idea that “we do the jobs together because work is necessary and important for the well being of our family and not because there is a treat at the end.”

I suppose this sounds rather harsh on paper, but to my knowledge, none of my children viewed it that way. I was lenient with the outcome, given the fact that the children ranged in age from 2 – 18. I often knew I would have to redo some of the work to reach my standard, but I don’t think they ever saw me do that. That would have been demeaning. For me the process of working cooperatively trumped the outcome. For me the joy of watching children be responsible for their little portion of a larger family unit was the overriding goal.

So what would I share in hind sight? Would I have done it differently? I absolutely would not. As I stated earlier, my children do not maintain the pristine organizational skills that I like to employ, but they have learned and demonstrate always, a far more important principle in their lives. They each have become top notch in one of the most important facets of life and that is their work ethic. They are loyal and committed to what their responsibilities are. They each excel in giving their time in quality ways to whatever job they must do. How did that happen? I do believe that because I was not critical of the outcome and that I did not trivialize the importance of work that my children learned far greater lifelong skills of being reliable, responsible, and committed to whatever was expected of them, whether it was in school or in their professional work careers. They learned to do what was expected, perhaps from following those predetermined expectation lists of their growing up days.

I present just a few suggestions:

1. Never be a task master that punishes or bribes, but simply be a “matter of fact” leader as you demonstrate working together for the higher good. Remember you are establishing their concept of later work ethics.

2. Always be understanding of how the child is feeling with the responsibilities they have. If other things are extremely pressing in their lives, make those allowances and be completely approachable in negotiating what the child needs and what you need.

3. The process is more important than the outcome. Remove all emotional energy that might negatively impact that process or alter your desired outcome.

4. Remember and teach that working together can be fun, unifying and of benefit to everyone.

5. Help each child to understand: This is your life and work will always be part of it. Why not choose to enjoy it.

Marilyn Dougall is the mother of 11 grown children and 26 grandchildren. Marilyn has a Bachelor of Science degree in Secondary Education and finds joy in teaching children and adults, serving in her church and community and her involvement in American Mothers. As such, she has been the Oregon Mother of the Year, State Search Chair, State President, National Resolution Chairman, National Area Coordinator as well as her current position as 2nd Vie President. Marilyn and her husband, John, reside in Oregon.